The Choices We Make ch 1 of 5

The Choices We Make

Her brother the captain, Kurosaki Ichigo, looked at the senkai gate as if it could bite him, uneasily straightening his Fifth division haori, though Karin was sure it wasn’t necessary. A year ago it had been decided that her reiatsu was creating too great disturbances in Karakura town and she had been politely “offered” special training in Soul Society. At first, she’d been thrilled. That had changed one evening, when she realised she wouldn’t be training under her brother. There had been a row. He had promised that fukutaichou Matsumoto Rangiku was a good woman and would train her well. It didn’t help much, but in the end her protectiveness of her family’s wellbeing meant Karin couldn’t stay mad for long. She’d been away from them too long, studying the sciences at a college, and then she’d received a message from the Soul Society, suggesting rather decisively that she get some training before Karakura town became permanently infested with Hollows because she couldn’t control her reiatsu. Not in so many words, of course, but the message had come across clearly. So just a few days ago, Ichi-nii had come home to take her away again. Only this time, there would be no late-night phone calls to Yuzu. No weekend football games with the gang. Just training and Ichi-nii, whose taichou responsibilities would be weighing heavily on him. I’m 20 though, she thought, and a Kurosaki. I’ll be ok, even if I can’t train with Ichi-nii.

* * * * * * * * *

Seeing the light through the gate was like walking into Heaven, and arriving in Seireitei didn’t exactly dull that impression. They were greeted by two people she actually recognised. Abarai Renji looked the same as when they had met last, almost ten years ago. Hitsugaya Toushirou no longer looked like the gangly kid that had saved her from taking a nasty beating in a football match she still remembered. Rather, he had grown into his haori. He wasn’t old by any means, but he looked more her own age than thirteen now. Trying to be calm in the presence of so many amazing things, she only had time to think: I should probably say hi, before Hitsugaya’s eyes had swept over her with little interest and returned his interest to her brother and their conversation. What… why? Doesn’t he remember me at all? Then, Renji was at her side, smiling.

“Don’t let Toushirou bother you, he’s like that. I’m fukutaichou Ab…”

“Abarai Renji,” she finished. “I’ve heard of you. I’m Kurosaki Karin.” That made Renji laugh.

“Kurosaki, eh? Sounds good to me. You were going to train with Rangiku?”

“Yeah.”

“Great.” Renji smiled slyly. “I think we can wake her before she’s cured her hangover from last night.” Feeling a bit more at ease with this man, Karin let Ichi-nii and Toushirou disappear into the distance as Renji led her toward the tenth division barracks.

* * * * * * * * *

Meeting with a hung-over Matsumoto Rangiku as first thing in a new and strange world wasn’t how she had imagined the Soul Society. The woman had been nice, but a bit too emotional for Karin’s tastes. Renji had offered to show her a nice spot after they dropped off her things, leaving Rangiku to recuperate for a while. Karin had immediately fallen in love with the place he brought her to. The entrance was a stone garden, turning first into a garden, and then into an ordered wilderness. Just as they were about to enter the truly wild parts, however, Renji received a Hell Butterfly.

“Darn. I need to go, will you find your way back on your own?” At Karin’s nod he smiled and was gone before another word had been said. Shunpo. She’d heard of it from her brother just this week, it was amazing that she might learn something like that, but as of now she felt like exploring something familiar. Her college had been close by a derelict house with a massive garden-turned-wilderness. This was a bit more tame, but she felt a tiny spark of excitement in her heart when she realised she was alone to explore this place…

* * * * * * * * *

She had forgotten how late she’d been home that time when she first explored the wilderness near her college campus. Of course, she was cursed with the same thing happening again and now she was lost in a forest she didn’t know the way out of. She’d scraped her knee along the way. It was nice scenery though; she couldn’t help but admire it as she walked past on a slope. The old trees looked almost alive, the little stream sparkled in the sunset. Of course, she shouldn’t have let herself be so distracted. It only took one faulty step on a loose stone and she was rolling down the slope. She yelped as she fell into the chilly water, but the little stream had stopped her fall nicely. She rose with a curse, but then she realised what a hopeless idiot she had been. She’d make others worry about her; Ichi-nii had trusted her and she’d gotten lost! Oh well, she thought, squaring her shoulders again and looking around to try and get her bearings straight, I’ve put myself in this situation, so I’ll get myself out of it. With mulish determination she stepped out of the water and started scaling the slope again.

“You’re lost, aren’t you?” The voice sounded tired, as if the person behind it was unwilling to talk to her, but thought it was necessary. She turned, holding onto a tree to keep her balance. She hadn’t seen him; he was sitting against a tree, still as the surrounding landscape. Toushirou. She wanted to walk up to him and tell him who she was, but if he didn’t remember her…

“Yeah, which way is out?” She didn’t say anything else and he merely pointed in the direction she was already going. “Thank you, taichou.” If he didn’t even remember her, the least she could do was respect the title Ichi-nii had said he had. As a token of the friendship they’d had during the few days she’d known him… it was nearly ten years ago though, so it wasn’t all that strange that he didn’t remember. She would manage, she was here to train, maybe she’d see him again and maybe not. Her soggy shoes didn’t get a very good grip in the mud, however, and halfway up she slipped again, falling face-first in the mud. With a scowl, she got back to her knees before she saw a hand outstretched toward her. That was quick. Shunpo again? she thought, but stood back up on her own.

“You’re persistent. Who are you?” he wondered. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she didn’t want him knowing just yet if he hadn’t figured it out on his own.

“I’m just here for special training.” Why couldn’t he remember? Then, as if she couldn’t help herself…”I’m Yuzu.” Wow, that was stupid, but something stopped her from correcting herself. Once upon a time she and her twin had looked a lot like each other.

“Right… Yuzu. I think you need to get back before you’re missed.” He sighed deeply and held out his arm toward her again. “It’s at least half an hour’s walk, it’d be dark by then. Hang on and I’ll get you out of here.” She stood there, looking at him sceptically. He sighed. “Come on. They’ll be worried.” That made her move. She wasn’t exactly sure what he had in mind, but when she warily reached for his hand, he put his arm around her waist.

“Hey!”

“Stop complaining and hang on. You’re soaked, you need a change of clothes.” Still sceptical, but willing to trust him, she put an arm around his shoulders. The trip was amazing and strange. She could feel his muscles, straining, relaxing, and moving under her arm and behind her back. Everything went by so fast. It was like chasing the sun and it took an impossible toll on her body to move like that. By the time they reached the stone garden she was ready to throw up. When he put her down she had to fight the weakness in her limbs, her knees wanted to buckle but she refused to allow it. By sheer force of will she remained standing, but was unable to think or walk for the first few seconds. Then Toushirou’s voice reached her through the stress on her muscles.

“Sorry. I assumed you were accustomed to shunpo, with your level of reiatsu.” He didn’t sound all that sorry, but he wasn’t an emotional type, either.

“It’s ok, I’m fine,” she breathed heavily. “I’ll find my way from here.” She vaguely saw his headshake.

“I’ll walk you. I want to be sure you don’t get lost again.” She actually managed to laugh, though it almost made her cough.

“I’m just going a few blocks, to the… tenth division barracks. You don’t need to worry about me, but thanks.” There was a short silence after that.

“You’re not a shinigami?” he wondered, sounding surprised and a bit suspicious. “Why are you going to the tenth division?”

“I told you, I’m getting special training. From Matsumoto-fukutaichou.” Another pause, it was impossible to see when he remembered.

“Hm. You had some connection to Kurosaki?”

“Yes,” she agreed, but decided to leave the complications for later. She would rather not be Ichi-nii’s shadow, no matter how much she loved him. If she was ever recognised, she wanted to know that it was because of her own skill rather than her brother’s.

“I thought I remembered you, from earlier today. Let’s go.” At first, that sentence had her hoping for something more… that he might remember her… from when they had first met. Obviously not, though. She followed him, tired to the bone, back to the barracks. That night, she slept like one of the dead.

* * * * * * * * *

The following week was hard. She practically slept in her uniform, too exhausted from the constant practice to change out of it most days. Then came Saturday. She woke up with dawn, as she’d been forced to the other days. Grumbling sleepily, she walked out into the sunlight. To her surprise, the barracks that were usually so bustling with life were completely dead. Then she saw a bush of spiky silver hair sticking out behind a tree.

“Uhm, Hitsugaya-taichou… where is everyone?” She hadn’t spoken to him since that first evening and, though it was kind of tiresome that he didn’t remember her, she was determined not to let that ruin her time here. He turned around, dark emerald eyes catching hers with an unemotional gaze.

“It’s Saturday,” he said, as if that explained everything. When he saw that it didn’t, he continued. “The on-duty guard is smaller on the weekends and there is only short lunch-time training. Rangiku has been planning some outing.”

“Oh. Right…” she was lost at first, but then she realised what it meant for her personal training. “Hell no, I don’t have the time to sit around.” Unsheathing her zanpaktou, she began going through the moves she’d learned during the week. Matsumoto-fukutaichou, who insisted that Karin called her Rangiku, wasn’t a bad teacher, but she had also sternly made it clear that these were the basics. All warriors developed a bit of an own “style” sooner or later, kind of like a dialect of sword fighting.

“You’re too tense.” The comment disturbed her focus and she had to stop for a moment before starting over and trying to relax. It was harder than she could’ve imagined.

“I said relax. You’re tensing up even more.”

“I’m trying!” Silently focused, she relaxed one muscle after another, working toward harmony with the movement. Time flowed patiently, undisturbed until…

“It’s Saturday, you don’t need to practice!” Rangiku’s arm was suddenly around her shoulder, pulling her into a busty hug and dragging her back toward the door. “I’ve got a wonderful picnic planned!” She smiled, closing the door behind them as Karin obediently sheathed her sword. “Your brother promised to come.”

“Ichi-nii did? Alright, then.” Partly because Rangiku was a good and demanding teacher and partly because the woman was not one to be gainsaid, Karin played along. Carrying stuff to an oversized boat in the middle of nowhere, she found herself silently wanting to ask if they were going to feed six or sixteen people. Almost as soon as the two of them were done loading the boat, Ichigo and Rukia came wandering toward them.

“Ichi-nii! Rukia!” Yuzu would have hugged him. Dad would have attacked him and made a fool of everyone. Karin just stood there, smiling at them. “We’re ready to go.” Toushirou appeared just a couple of minutes later, but they sat talking in the boat for quite a while before Renji came wandering.

“Renji, hurry up you punk,” Rangiku called at him, Karin couldn’t help but smile and wave at him. He reached the riverbank, whining about impatient women, but the way he settled by Karin and smiled and winked at her took all the edge out of it.

“Renji.” Ichigo’s voice was a bit protective and Renji straightened, making Toushirou frown just a little, but enough that she’d catch it. She still hadn’t told him she was Ichigo’s sister and by some strange miracle, no one else had either. Better hurry the picnic along, before something embarrassing happened. Rangiku beat her to it, fortunately.

“Let’s go then, now that we’re all here.” Karin and Toushirou both stayed out of most of the conversation, even when someone tried to involve them. Fortunately, they got across to the landing spot without anyone spilling the beans, but she would have to tell Toushirou her real name sooner or later. After the trip, she promised herself. Then it would hopefully be less… uncomfortable. The world was reduced to unpacking picnic baskets for a while, until Ichigo called to her.

“Hey, Karin! We’ll be going to fetch some firewood, I’ll be right back.” She looked up at the two of them and smiled.

“Okay Ichi-nii!” For a moment all was well, but then she saw a pair of defensively crossed arms as she was helping Rangiku carry the blankets. Sighing, she put them down.

“Yuzu is my twin sister,” she said, keeping her pounding heart tightly under wraps.

“Why?”

“You didn’t recognise me anyway. I don’t know.” That made him frown. “I love Ichi-nii, but I want to be more than ‘Kurosaki’s sister’.”

“Recognise you?”

“It’s nothing.” She shrugged. It wasn’t nothing, but… “You saved a soccer game for my team some years ago in the Real World. Kinda foolish to think you’d remember.” His frown deepened, but he didn’t say anything to her for the rest of the picnic. At least she didn’t have to hide any longer, even if she felt sorry that he wasn’t talking to her, he hadn’t talked much before either. She had a really good time and found herself finally returned to the other side, saying goodbye to her brother and Rukia; when Rangiku suddenly suggested they go to a pub. Karin could have withstood Rangiku alone, but Renji joined in the convincing and though Ichigo and Rukia managed to sneak away, the two more silent of the party had little chance to object.

* * * * * * * * *

It was interesting to study Seireitei, but Karin looked doubtfully at the drink Rangiku placed in front of her. She wasn’t used to pubing. Sipping it carefully, she looked even less enthusiastic. Looking up at Rangiku and Renji, who were already happily downing theirs, she felt a bit out of place. Even Toushirou was drinking, if a bit less than the other two. When urging her on didn’t help, Rangiku decisively ordered in something new and took Karin’s drink for herself. The second one actually tasted rather good, so she wasn’t hard to convince when Rangiku suggested a drinking game. At first, the fukutaichou tried to make it a contest, but with both Karin and Toushirou decisively against it, game was second best. Since Karin wasn’t too opposed to that, she only had to seriously convince her taichou, and she’d spent a long time learning how to do that. At first Karin tried to get to grips with the rules, but they seemed to be as incomprehensible as Renji, who drank all the time no matter who actually lost that round. Soon it didn’t matter. She wasn’t used to drink and the whole world was spinning after half an hour.

“I don’t know, really, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be me just then,” she explained blurrily to Toushirou, who just nodded. “Ugh. I feel like I’m saying stupid things,” she continued, “I had probably better get back before I say more… dumb things…” I’m talking way too much and I’m surprised they’re not all laughing at me already, her brain reminded her in a lucid moment as she tried to stand up. It was a bit wobbly, but she managed to walk a bit on unsteady feet, by holding onto the table. Leaning heavily on Toushirou’s shoulder where he sat closest to the door, she managed to turn to the other two.

“Thanks for today, Rangiku.” Only then did she realise that Rangiku and Renji were both fast asleep on the table. “Right. I’m so not doing this again,” she reminded herself. “I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. And I’m way too honest.”

“Yes.” It was the first word Toushirou had said directly to her since he’d discovered who she was. Or that she wasn’t who he’d thought she was, rather. “I wasn’t going to say that, but yes, you are. Come. Rangiku and Renji are well known here, they’ll be fine.” She had to steady herself on the wall while he rose. Why wasn’t he having trouble staying steady?

“Right,” she sighed, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other without falling down. It was good that this place wasn’t far from the tenth division barracks, she could see the light over the gates as they walked along its wall.

“How many glasses did you have, Karin?” he asked, concerned.

“Three… I think. Four, maybe?”

“How many did I have,” he pondered, like an afterthought.

“Seven,” she said decisively. “I was watching you.” I shouldn’t have said that, her brain reminded her. Fortunately, he was thoughtfully silent as they stumbled through a back door into the small garden and up toward the end of the barracks where she slept. There was some irregular snoring, but otherwise everything was wrapped in a complete silence that suited her just fine.

“Thanks,” she said quietly as they reached her door and he opened it for her. She practically fell in, but managed to steady herself with the help of a wall. Then, he was there, so close she could feel the alcohol on his breath.

“Watching me? With what intent?”

“None, really,” she said simply, “I just like to watch you. You should smile more often.” And he did just that, a lazy, lopsided smile.

“Your brother is going to kill me,” he stated calmly, putting a hand behind her head and moving closer. She couldn’t move an inch, paralyzed by his presence, his eyes. Her breathing was heavy and her mouth half open as his lips descended on hers. It was alien and wonderful. She’d never been interested in anyone before, but then again she’d never been high on drink and none of the boys around her had ever been Hitsugaya Toushirou. His lips, searching on hers, were so soft. His hands, one on the wall beside her and one in her hair, as well as his muscular arms, hardened with the combat experience of a captain… still, nothing captured her attention more than his dark, emerald eyes. They were a bit hazy now, but burning with a fire she’d known he had, even though he usually didn’t let it show. Then, the magic failed and he backed a few steps from her.

“What am I doing?” he mumbled apprehensively. She took a step after him, a frown of concern on her face. I shouldn’t have done that, she realised instantly, I’m way too unsteady to stand up straight, she thought, taking another stumbling step before she felt herself falling. Then he was there, but too late to stop the fall, so they tumbled to the floor in a heap. He sighed, trying to untangle himself from her.

“You were so serious as a kid, Kurosaki. I wasn’t going to come that day, but something told me you weren’t just going to give up. What is it with you Kurosakis?” That made her look away. Her hair had grown a little bit longer, but she’d kept it fairly short and as she turned it was falling in her face. Intoxicated, and feeling worried about getting so emotional, he pulled a rogue strand from her cheek. The look she gave him was dulled, but still powerful.

“This was why I didn’t tell you who I was. I don’t want to be just ‘a Kurosaki’. I want to be ‘Karin’.” He took her in for a moment, caressing her cheek with his free hand.

“Karin,” he breathed. “You don’t have to be anymore than that.” Then, he carefully rose, turning the finest of compliments into just words. Just like when she got lost on her first day here, he extended a hand for her, but she ignored it and forced herself back to her feet on her own. When she was finally standing, she saw a slight smile on his lips. Then, just like that, it disappeared. Replaced by his usual stony demeanour.

“Toushirou…”

“I’ll let you have your room in peace now; I think I need to sleep.” She frowned. Could he do that? Apparently. But why? Without as much as a “goodnight” passing between them, he closed the door behind him and was gone. Though she didn’t want others to define her just because of her family, she was at that moment very happy to be a Kurosaki. Stubbornly refusing to accept that she was disappointed, Karin quickly prepared for bed. Then she lay there, trying to ignore the fact that she could still feel where his lips had touched hers. Even though she was dead tired, it took a long time before she could fall asleep.

* * * * * * * * *

Three months went by, during which Karin grimly ignored her first kiss and focused solely on her training. Rangiku seemed more commanding than ever, but was always the same sweet, strange, determined woman once training was over. Karin and Toushirou avoided each other skilfully and only spoke when it was absolutely necessary. There was really no need to put herself in such a painful situation again and he seemed to share the sentiment. When they did have to speak to each other they kept it short and formal. Karin made other friends and when she wasn’t training or spending time with the other shinigami in “her division” she was out with Ichigo, Renji and Rukia and sometimes one or another of their friends.

Once she was focused again, time flew past until she found it had all suddenly gone by. The night before her scheduled departure was hard on her. Her friends in the division had thrown a party for her at a local pub, but it had gotten so emotional she’d left after a while, knowing they would party on without her. Once, she would have been sad about such a thing, but now she could appreciate it. She had debated whether to say goodbye to Toushirou or not. On the one hand, it would be the polite thing to do, on the other, she really didn’t want to try her defences more than necessary. Finally, she had given in to common decency and headed for the taichou’s and fukutaichou’s office. As she approached, she could hear their voices, only slightly raised.

“…know you haven’t been that close, but you’re her taichou, she won’t be around for much longer…” The voice of Hitsugaya sharply cut of Matsumoto’s.

“I have nothing to say to her. She’s just a visitor, I knew that already.”

“But she’ll be…”

“Don’t push me, Rangiku. When Kurosaki goes back where she belongs, it’ll be better for all of us. This isn’t her home.” Karin couldn’t help but draw in a sharp breath at that. Was that what he thought, now? Then staying away from him had been a good decision. Turning on her heel, she walked away with tears she couldn’t stop burning in her eyes. She could hear the door open behind her, but there was no point in staying any longer. She’d go to bed and then, in the morning… she’d go back where she belonged.

* * * * * * * * *

There were steps outside the door, but they were heading away. A dark suspicion awoke in Toushirou’s mind and apparently the same thought occurred to Rangiku. She moved up to the door and opened it, looking out into the night.

“Oh, now you’ve done it,” she sighed.

“So?” he challenged, burying the sting of pain at the thought that he had caused her more of the same. “She’s not one of us. She will never be. Now drop it.” He couldn’t let a human into his life like that. Especially not Kurosaki Karin. Rangiku was glaring at him, but respected his order. He’d have to go say goodbye when she went through the senkai gate, but until then… it was best if they continued as before. Sighing, he bent back over his paperwork. Stupid, meaningless paperwork.